Wednesday, February 18, 2009
"Barbie Heads III"
Yeah so I likes dolls,..wanna make somethin' of it?! Alright, alright lets chill. Look I'm in a strange head just now. I'm decompressing from alot of awful shit. 'Least I think that's it.
S'weird, I mean I'm hyper, depressed, and numb all at the same time. Just as things are getting better, and it seems I may get my life back I'm becoming apathetic, hopeless, and intermittently angry.
The anger is only for moments at a time, but it's unfocused, ferocious, primal. That, and an overall weariness. I don't think this is one of those things that you just brush ya self off from, and walk on.
Strictly speaking this whole shebang lasted over three years. From my being the primary caregiver for my cousin after her stroke, and fall into total dementia. That, her eventual death which I was never able to mourn because I was thrown on to the street by family.
The months of wandering in hell. The humiliations, despair confusion, and eventual blank daze that I lived in. All this followed by my surreal rescue.
I literally went from sleeping in an alley one night to being put into a four star hotel the next. The one across the street for the Waldorf. This really happened,...is still happening.
(I read what I just wrote with a sense of disbelief, but it happened. 'And when it happened it seemed the most natural thing to do. That alley as well various doorways with which I became intimate were relatively safe, and dry.)
Actually I didn't sleep.
One doesn't sleep out there. You nod or doze for a few minutes, maybe a half hour at a time. It's just too dangerous to really sleep. Also it's suicide to lay down. One stoops or is in a crouch. Some stand. Fortunately I was not in the "life" long enough to learned that trick.)
Anyway as for my "rescue" the 'good' part of my family was looking for me,..found me, and stuffed me into them upscale digs. It was very like being plucked out of a North Korean prison camp, and dumped into Disneyland,...with room service.
It was too much too soon. I was throughly freaked out, and wandered away. I was relocated by concerned parties, and 'this' time put into more humble, but tidy, and safe digs. That's pretty much where I am now. The Chinatown/Brooklyn Bridge 'hood.
Yeah there are other's that would take all this, and be happy as clams on uncut "China White". No questions asked just gimme more!
Me, well I got issues. Pride'n all that. Also I'm nuts, and the streets have made me a tad more so. I still haven't talked all this out yet. Also I'm still not used to sleeping in a bed.
Laying down without fear is something I have to learn all over again. Hot showers on the other hand I took to right away. That's the one thing I really missed.
Bodily hygiene is actually the first, and most important step in a culture's transition from barbarism to civilization.
Not stinking matters.
I now take several very hot showers a day. It may seem like a mania, an emotional obsession to some, but not to me. Not for now. It may take years to wash the street from my body, and soul.
No problem,..rubba, dub, dub!!
Thanks for putting up with all this. Btw I may be signing the lease on my 'real' new digs within the week. Therein will begin yet another adventure!
Oh, but back to Barbie. She keeps me if not sane at least somewhat coherent.
(Please click on these snapshots of my dear dollies for the full plastic effect!)