"Christmas Eve"

There was a time not so long ago when I would wander the streets on Christmas Eve. Like the ghosts that haunted Scrooge I would drift through this longest of nights with a yearning heart.

I'd walk the neon canyons of this city looking for my miracle. Looking for my special blessing. I did this for years. You see I've always wanted to belong. I always wanted a family. One that really wanted me.

In my life I've joined tribes, movements, conspiracies hoping that one of them was where I should be. Many wrong doors were opened. Many trusts were misplaced, loves stillborn.

Like so many of the most important things we need I couldn't describe it. Not exactly, but I'd know it when I saw it!

A rough outline perhaps would be that passage in Dicken's "A Christmas Carol" where the Ghost of Christmas Past shows Scrooge the shadows of his youth. The vision of the Christmas party at "Fezziwigs".

Dear old silly, thoughtful kindly Mr. Fezziwig that a very young Scrooge was apprenticed to. Remember how it was. Happy people joyful in each other's company. Gay laughter, gitty frolicks. Then there was the music. Bright cheerful music, and dancing.

There were long tables of food, and drink. All of it made with such kindness of heart that you could taste the love with every mouthful. Open, fellowship, and clear uncomplicated, unconditional love.

This is the miracle for which I have search for so many years. This is the blessing that my hearts needs. That we all need. I've for decades been seaching for Fezziwings.

I haven't found it yet, and I'm ashamed to say I haven't looked for some time. However I do have faith. A kind of intuitive knowing that one day I will blessed with it's discovery.

One Christmas Eve night yet to come I will walk down a quiet side street in this great bright blinking city. I will walk with unseen Angels by my side, and find a little shop whose doors are open wide to the street. From within I will hear the sounds of songs, and laughter, and then see smiles of welcome, and warmth.

At long last I will have found my blessing, my miracle. I will have come home.