Monday, August 6, 2007

"Monster Movie"

I know what you're thinking, "Where's the Black guy?!" Where indeed.

See as we all know in monster movies, and it don't matter if it's zombies, aliens, or giant lizard guys like our pal here.

In all them kind'a movies the "Black guy gets shot, vaporized, eaten, ground up, burnt, or changed into a used birth control device first."

It's a given like don't eat the yellow snow or never fuck the wall socket.

It's a convention of the genre like the "Red Shirts" getting bumped off on "Star Trek".

Well this is my frigg'n blog so I changed the ground rules. Like that jerk Kirk did on his "Kobashi Maru" test.

The Black guy, no dummy. Anyway when Private Johnson heard that his patrol was going "Giant Green Monster" hunting he called in sick.

This is why ya don't see him. He's back in sick baye watch'n the "Sanford, and Son" channel.

Meanwhile as is also traditional, because the Johnson ain't there. The Mexican guy is about to buy it. If he wasn't there the Indian would get it, then the Jew, then the Pole, then Italian, then the Mick, etc.

Finally after the Monster has chewed, and shat out everybody. All the expendable ethnics. That's when the White guy sneaks up on the big lizard, and kills him.

The asshole stabs the monster in the back or blows him up with a ray gun he invented while his pals was getting ate. All to a real loud Jerry Goldsmith score.

He's da hero, they give him a medal, a parade, and a bunch of cheerleader's give him blow jobs.

The movie ends, and you stumble out onto the street slightly more neurotic than when you came in.


(Yeah I know some'a the pix's is out'a focus, what. I wasn't wearing my glass's, and didn't feel like re-shoot'n the whole damned movie. Btw that's how I saw the first "Predator" movie where a couple'a black guys got killed first. An Indian too I think. Anyway they screened it out of focus.

This because they hired only one projectionist to look after a whole multiplex theatre. The union busting cheapskates! The movie was half over by the time he got back to look after our suite.

I don't blame him. I blame the corporate rat fucks that screw it's workers w/vicious schedules, They exploit the guests with poor service, and overpriced refreshments. $5 hot dogs'n $8 popcorn gimme a break! Comes the Revolution these grave injustice's will be righted!!

Eh, we'll do something about all the poverty, sick kids, rotten schools, and polluted water too. I promise.

(Well okay sometimes the white guys get it too.)

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