Saturday, April 5, 2008
I feel really fucked up. I'm always exhausted, always pissed off, and depressed. Always on the brink of tears. Then there's the nightmares. I've had nothing, but nightmares for perhaps a month now. Some are deep horrors other's just plain stupid, and annoying, but they won't stop.
One solution has been my hiding behind snapshots of spring buds, and flowers. That, and other assorted triva from my life. I've been hoping that mucking about with all this might jumpstart my soul. So far no dice.
My despair, and rage might be post traumatic shit from the last few years of caregiving for my elderly cousin. Now that 'was' a nightmare. "Caregiver Burnout" they politely call it. Whatever it is it's changed me. These last two nearly three years have changed me. I think I'm a less patient, meaner, less kind person. Certainly less spiritual, less hopeful.
I've seen just how fragile our precious sense of identity is. I think the soul may be a myth afterall. I helplessly watched a careing, gentle, loving being degenerate into a shreiking thing. An insane, frightened shell of blood, and bile, and shit.
Such are the rewards for the "lord's" humble servants.
It don't look good comrads. We, our sacred 'selves' are less that frost in a blast furnace. Less than a sneeze in a sandstorm on mars. Our universe can be stripped away, and evaporated as if it never were. Dementia is the ultimate murder. Your body lives on to crap, scream, and spasum, but you, the 'you' that you think is a part of g-d,...that vanish's.
So my endless nightmare's, and weary annoyance with the world is kind'a understandable. Ya think?