Saturday, April 5, 2008

"Burnt Offering"

I feel really fucked up. I'm always exhausted, always pissed off, and depressed. Always on the brink of tears. Then there's the nightmares. I've had nothing, but nightmares for perhaps a month now. Some are deep horrors other's just plain stupid, and annoying, but they won't stop.

One solution has been my hiding behind snapshots of spring buds, and flowers. That, and other assorted triva from my life. I've been hoping that mucking about with all this might jumpstart my soul. So far no dice.

My despair, and rage might be post traumatic shit from the last few years of caregiving for my elderly cousin. Now that 'was' a nightmare. "Caregiver Burnout" they politely call it. Whatever it is it's changed me. These last two nearly three years have changed me. I think I'm a less patient, meaner, less kind person. Certainly less spiritual, less hopeful.

I've seen just how fragile our precious sense of identity is. I think the soul may be a myth afterall. I helplessly watched a careing, gentle, loving being degenerate into a shreiking thing. An insane, frightened shell of blood, and bile, and shit.

Such are the rewards for the "lord's" humble servants.

It don't look good comrads. We, our sacred 'selves' are less that frost in a blast furnace. Less than a sneeze in a sandstorm on mars. Our universe can be stripped away, and evaporated as if it never were. Dementia is the ultimate murder. Your body lives on to crap, scream, and spasum, but you, the 'you' that you think is a part of g-d,...that vanish's.

So my endless nightmare's, and weary annoyance with the world is kind'a understandable. Ya think?


sidneylann995 said...

I take your silence as agreement. Hey what are friends for.

Anonymous said...

You have every right to be angry. And sad, fucking depressed, everything and anything. When you are caregiving, you even forget how your own body feels. You forget yourself. I believe we even take on some of the sick one's pain, and when they go, that pain doesn't go away. So write it. Punch out a few cuddly stuffed animals, of course, the ones the give you the evil eye once in awhile. It will get better Sidney. When? Not soon, but it will get better. Lady Susan

sidneylann995 said...

I feel 10 emotions at once all the time. I keep seeing, and hearing all the shit we went through.

We're just bags of shit, and blood that's all. The soul can be burnt away like it never was.

It's funny I didn't notice that I had gone nuts till she died. I must have been to busy with all the worry, and mayhem of the details of madness, and a body out of control.

There is nothing more frightful that seeing someone you love transformed into another species of being. How truly fragil our souls are. Thay 'can' be devoured. They can vanish.

This is what's different. When my parents, and friends died they had their souls intact. They took'em with them wherever then went.

Tempy left without one. We saw, I saw it die.

This knowledge is what drive my nightmares. How does one live with such an awful Revelation?

Anonymous said...

I don't believe that you truly believe that. Tempe died hard. Just like my "Brooklyn Mommy". She didn't change, the disease was what you witnessed. And I thank god for you being there for her. What would your Auntie say to now if this was three years back and you were mourning like this over someone else? Why don't you meditate on that one. I'm sure she would have some comforting words for you. Don't take away from her wonderful life by letting that fucking awful disease get you too! I hope you have someone to hold you. I hope you have someone who is taking care of you. Susan